Mascara !

Now, first off let me say I should have been more prepared. I’ll have to make an updated mascara post with pictures next time. But, for now, you get this.

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I get asked a lot if my lashes are real, both online and in real life. At a Christmas party a few years back I had a relative argue that they were not my actual lashes. Trust me, if I could apply false lashes correctly and they looked half way decent I would super proud and super inclined to tell people about it. ūüėČ

So how do I get my lashes to do what they do? There are a few staples to the process

Mascara applies better on “dirty lashes”.

If I just put on mascara on without other makeup it always clumps together and I do not get the some look and effect I normally would. I’ve seen on pinterest about applying baby power between coats of mascara and there is certainly truth to that. So I do my full face…foundation, powder, shadow primer, shadow, liner and THEN I do my lashes. By that time there is a grit and texture on my lashes so I feel like the mascara really clings on to¬†well. I’m no scientist, this is not hard cold facts, but it makes sense in my mind. BUT, if I do for some reason don’t want to do a full face but I still want my lashes done, I will¬†take a makeup brush and brush some powder over my lashes. It’s still not the effect I would get after a full face of makeup, but it is a better outcome than clean lashes!

Use more than one mascara.

I’ve yet to find one mascara that does it all. Nothing gives me length AND thickness. Nothing separates and fluffs.¬†There maybe some high¬†dollar product out there that truly does that for someone. But, personally, I go through mascara¬†fairly quickly and I have to typically utilize¬†what I have at hand … drug store products. So, anyways, I always use at least two products together. Once again, not a scientist, but I feel like¬†having two together gets me that thickness and fluff and length and false look.

Application is important as well as which mascaras you use.

Ok. Light hand. USE. A. LIGHT. HAND. It’s super easy to see that first swipe and get giddy from the instant result and want to just keep swiping. But, this is my trick: use one mascara as a base. It doesn’t matter what type it is. I usually try to find something that isn’t super wet and something that will not clump. Swipe it just enough the lashes are all thinly coated. Then, move on to something a little thicker, something more wet. At this point I’m not as worried about a nice even thin coat. I’m just building. I’ll do a few layers with the second mascara and then I will come back in the first with a slow hand and run that brush completely through from root to tip. This is the important part for me. It cuts down too much build up and this is usually where I get my separation and length at. This¬† maybe a good place for you to stop. I, however, usually repeat the process another time if not a third time. So, see, I wear A LOT of mascara and this is why I go through it so fast. I’ll be the first to say it. But it gives me that false look I like, personally. Not everyone wants something so heavy and flashes. It’s all personal preference and seeing what goes best with your vision and actual face. So this might be something you try going out at night with friends or for something that calls for a more dramatic eye! It may not be a look you want to wear daily like I do, and that’s OK. ūüôā

With all this being said, I’m not makeup artist. I just have figured out what works for me and what I like. Also, it works for me. My lashes are naturally some what long as is and then by the time all the mascara is¬†done it makes them stand up and out more. Your outcome won’t look exactly like mine, it may look better! I didn’t mention products I use due to that fact that again what works for me wouldn’t always work for anyone else. It’s just a trial and error thing! Some advice I’d say, due to buying two mascaras at a time…even drug store can get a little pricey…get one super cheap mascara! I think wet n wild has some and ELF and NYE…is that the brand at Walmart? Get one of those to use at the second mascara, as the build up, and get a Maybelline or Revlon as your serious definer and separator. I’ve done it this way¬†and never once had any noticeable differences. Play around and see what works for you!

-Cheyenne

 

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1/11/16 – Planner Post

I’m currently listening to Alessia Clara’s song Overdose on repeat.

I’m trying not to take too much
I’m in over my head
Over love, oh I over trust
Give me the chance to pick up the pieces you left me in
Why did I let you in?
Overzealous, I’m over this
Oh I’m over us
Over and over
I let you under my skin and it’s over
I promised never again you’d come over
Something takes over me
I can’t control this hallucinogen

Some exciting news – I found my digital camera! It’s been missing for probably close to a year….now I just have to find the charger. Hahaha, if it isn’t one thing it’s another. But I want to post makeup photos! I think this will be fun. I’m a fan of youtube makeup videos (not ones I’d post, other’s) but I kind of enjoy the simplicity of words, pictures, and not having to wait 10 minutes to figure out what color that is on the brow bone.

Last night I had a hard time getting to sleep so I took the time to fiddle in my planner. I use a plum papper I ordered last year, and I love it! I was using a color crush prior and I will admit sometimes I miss certain aspects of it. But, I don’t think I miss it enough in its entirety to resort back to it. ūüėČ I had ordered some stickers off of etsy from Salty Planner Co that had came in and I was really pleased and wanted to put them in my planner ASAP. Here is this week’s ¬†beginning thus far:

The stickers shown from etsy are the weather ones at top, the grocery bag to the left, the scare, and $ one below it, and anything with that Aztec print! I’m still a little new to really decorating. Before, when I was school, there wasn’t much room to decorate with everything I had going on. Now, I have a little more freedom to be creative!

Let’s talk about the scale, shall we? I weight 244 as of this morning. I’ve been fluctuating between 240-245 for the past few months (I’m 5’10 for further reference). Does it make me nervous to past my weight? Not at all. But I will say I’d love to lose about 50 pounds! That is kind of crazy to say. I’d be super close to my ideal weight if I lost that much. There was a time when if I had only lost 50 pounds it wouldn’t have made much of a difference. Progress. Progress.. PROGRESS. Am I right, or am I right? The purple and yellow stickies are from Micheal’s. Well .. OKAY, I did a little damage at Micheal’s this weekend to be honest. I bought some color pencils and a new adult coloring book and¬†plannerstuff.jpg

I. Was. So. Excited. Of course I got all the things ūüėČ I think I’m most excited about the tape runner to be honest. It’s the key part of decorating my planner and I’ve been without one for far too long. But how cute are these little stickies notes? Love.

Today I want to finally get my planner supplies organized and stored. For Christmas my brother & his GF gave me a storage unit and I’m exited to utilize it!

Have a HAPPY Monday ‚̧

 

Stage 1

I’ve been thinking a lot about what the theme of this blog should be. Planner/stationary? Weight loss? Beauty? Women’s issues? Well, clearly the right answer is:¬†all of the above.¬†

Let’s talk about weight loss for a moment. If I’ve posted about it once, I’ve posted about it 10 times, I know. But it is something that has been weighing on me (pun? possibly. bare with me here, y’all ūüėČ ) more heavily here lately than usual. I want to thoroughly define this journey I’ve been on.

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After I graduated high school, I was kind of just here. I didn’t feel like I had much purpose. I was at a junior college and had no clue what I wanted to do. I. Ate. All. The. Time. I was already a fluffy bunny prior but I really out did myself. I remember it getting to a point where I was stopping by McDonald’s for a large chicken nugget meal TWICE a day. ¬†I would lay down at night and come to terms with the fact that I may not wake up the next morning due to how hard it was to breath at the moment. I was okay with it. Do you hear me? I was¬†acquiescent with death. That was the absolute lowest I had ever gotten.

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No matter what I say, getting into a relationship when I did was the turning point. It truly was a moment of self discovery for me. I finally felt something. Not like a huge magnificent Hollywood love. At that point, to feel anything…pain, love, fear, something other than being numb was so powerful and addictive. I was at my heaviest weight but I was so confident. I think back at who I was at that time and I’m in awe of her. I had no self doubt, no malicious thoughts, no recent. I truly enjoyed myself, I loved myself.

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A new years resolution literally changed my life. It was simple. I wanted to drink more water in the coming year. I did, and more or less became a fish. In no time I had dropped a pant size or two. I hadn’t even noticed, but others had. I was not trying, it just happened. Then the self love and body positivity went through the roof! I loved my body and it loved me back.

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I never set foot on a scale, I more or less ate what I wanted (in better judgement and portions of course), I was running a couple of miles a day, and I was dancing in the summer sun in just pure and utter bliss. My life completely turned around. I had went from this girl that didn’t have an attachment to anything and was just an empty shell, to being this girl that loved everything she could get her hands on and had a thirst she couldn’t and didn’t want to quench for more. I just felt so at peace, so loved, and so happy. I stopped coloring my hair. That was a major deal for me. For the longest time I thought it was the most pleasing thing about me aesthetically and I was obsessed with it. After this awakening I realized it wasn’t all I had to offer and I ditched the color and bleach.

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At this point I was level, I was happy. Then, it switched. I realized there were things in my life that weren’t as “picture perfect” as they seemed and I let on. I wouldn’t say I was depressed, but I was back to being numb. The weight came back. I didn’t even realize. Then when I did, I didn’t care. I was so unhappy with everything that I was almost relieved to have one less thing to “enjoy”.

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Left was from last spring and right it from a few months ago. So, needless to say, I managed to drop it again. This time, how ever, it was due to replacing meanls with wine and just not eating. Let me tell you, that is a really fast way to lose both weight and your sanity. This was another low. I was going though a major change and my eyes were finally opened to what I’d been masking with my self love. Even though I was full of admiration for myself, I was pushing others treating me poorly aside. Maybe that was what triggered the self loathing. When I realized what what was going on, what I had allowed. ¬†I’m not sure exactly what the causes were…but the effect was landing myself at a councilors office on campus due to the fact that I had hardly ate in 2 weeks, headaches, no motivation and just not knowing what to do. Not knowing how to live.

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I’d like to say I’m good as gold now, but I’m not. I’m more so healthy. I don’t starve myself like I use to. But, I am consumed with this idea of not ever being good enough. I want to be strong. I always have been. But I’m just human, and there is only so much I can suppress. I am happy. I really am, genuinely happy. I have a degree, a job that I enjoy, and a new boyfriend. He is absolutely … I don’t know how to explain him. If you would have asked me to describe my idea guy at any point in my life I would have¬†all but called him by name.¬†He’s just exactly what I’ve been praying for. But because of these internal issues, I can sense it pooling over into my relationships…with him and others. I’m just paranoid. When you don’t like yourself you just assume others don’t either. It’s hard. It’s hard to see the light sometimes when your mind is so dark.

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I want to be the woman I know I can be. I know have a good heart, I know I have an active mind, and I know I have a lot to offer. I just need these demons on a leash. I need to have that physical and mental connect and love myself in all and every aspect. I know that if I like myself, then I’ll be a better Cheyenne to me and to others.

Changes have to be made. They will be made. I want to keep track with it and plot process and successes here. Because there will be process and success! Life it too good to be so negative. I want to enjoy every blessing I have right now, and I want to be a blessing to others. But as history has shown to me, it starts internally. Time. To. Get. To. Work. ūüôā

There is a Girl.

There is a little girl. She has a head full of worms and dirty and her pockets full of bubblegum wrappers and two pennies.

There is a little girl. She doesn’t yet know she’s a girl. She’s just alive and breathes in imagination like it’s her only source of survival.

There is a little girl. Today, she was told she couldn’t be on the playgrounf¬†with the boys any more. She was told her skin was made of paper and bones make of glass; she was fragile.

There is a little girl. She looks in the mirror and pokes at her sides and belly. “Why do I look like this?”

There is a girl. She likes to read and be in fresh air. Makeup is confusing and her feet become unless in any show with the least bit of heel.

There is a ¬†girl. She hasn’t been kissed. She hasn’t been asked to homecoming. Her hair is a mess.

There is a girl. She is mad; mad that she’s a girl. Her body is either both over sexualized and shammed. Her opinions are cut down. Her voice is muffled. She did not ask for breasts or thighs, she’s so much more than her body. Her muscles are strong, her lungs breathe deep, and her legs carry the weight of the world. But, she’s still fragile. She’s still not cut out for the man’s world.

There is a woman. She fights. She claws. She does twice the work for half the pay. Her red lips are painted on perfect, her heels are high, and she knows her place is off the playground. She’s content. She’s been told for so long she wasn’t going to be anything, that now that she’s at least a stereotypical representation to being a woman, she thinks she’s met her full potential.

There is a woman. She use to have bright thoughts and wild dreams. Now she sees black and white and waits for a man to splash the color back into her eyes.

There is a woman.

2015 in review

One of my gifts this year was a laptop! I haven’t had my own since I was high school (which is increasingly becoming a rather long time ago since 2010). But because of this I want to blog more! Writing has always been something I enjoyed. It use to be predominantly fictional, but I haven’t had an motive and inspiration for that in ages. Maybe one day soon.

But this year I have been so blessed.

There was a breakup, an end to a nearly 4 year journey. It was well overdue but a major change none-the-less. I celebrated a year of employment at the bank in November. I lost my best friend, Draco the Pomeranian. But, gained another friend, Lemon the pom…oh, and Trill. We also got Trill. Don’t get me wrong I love that little dog as well, but he’s just his own spirit and he’s a little crazy! There were many concerts, meeting Luke Combs, and staying out a little too late on work nights. Kissed a few boys I shouldn’t have, kissed one that I enjoy to kiss every chance I get to now. I graduated from UNA! Found out I’m a passionate feminist. And most of all; I’m happy. I still have¬†the anxiety issues, but this is the most level and consistent I’ve been in years with stability in my mental health.

I’m already starting 2016 off on the right foot. If it’s half as good as the last half of 2015 was, I know it will be a journey of love, fun, and new and¬†exciting things.

…and that’s all she wrote.

I did it, yall. I graduated with my BBA in management. I honestly felt like it would never, ever end. But it did, and now I’m a little lost. Don’t get me wrong, I love being able to sit down and just relax after work but it’s little bit of¬†a shock as¬† I try to find something else to occupy my mind and hands with. You get so use to running wide open that anything less seems like I’m wasting time! But I know I’ll find a level ground and a grove to settle into soon enough.

If I had to give any¬†nuggets of wisdom¬†to those wishing to major in business, I’d have to say:

  1. Every class you take is a math class. I don’t care what the title of the course is, what the syllabi says, there will be numbers involved and usually it will make little to no sense.
  2. Group projects. You may come into the major nervous and dreadful of team projects and presentations but by graduation they become as natural as blinking your eyes. (Side note: PREZI. ALWAYS USE PREZI. FORGET POWER POINT EXCISTS ENTIRELY.)
  3. APA. High school might have taught you MPA and drilled it into your mind, but throw that all away. All of your papers will be in APA format and they will expect you to already know how to manipulate it. (OWL is your friend).
  4. Take any opportunity to patriciate in mock interviews as possible. I think this is vital for any major, but just do it.
  5. Microsoft office will become your go to for every thing. Don’t fight excel. Embrace, love, and appreciate it. Also, get ready for Project. Never heard of it? Don’t worry, you will.

But honestly, I enjoyed my time in school and learned a lot of things that will be useful in my field and life in general. Whether you’re a business major or not, take a personal wealth class. It’s basically all the bare necessities on how to be an adult no one ever taught you but really needed to.

How to be a big girl: an autobiography

I was head and shoulders over everyone in elementary. I started to wear women sizes shoes when I was still in single digits of age. Anklets are bracelets for me and bracelets are….jokes.

I’ve always been big in all senses. Tall. Fat. Both.

I watched a video on YouTube earlier today of actors at a buffet. They were fat girls and then people saying mean things to them and they were trying to see how by standers would react. They told the fat girls to eat less and save some for others, that they were disgusting, and following them and nagged and picked.

I cried. I just sat there, knowing it was actors and staged but still cried. I’ve been fortunate in the sense of I didn’t deal with a lot of bullying. There was some, yes. Mostly from scrawny boys that didn’t know how to process being attracted to a fat girl. But for the most part, no mean words were said loud enough for me to hear.

I cried because that’s how I talk to myself.

It’s mayhem in my head 98% of the time. I over analyze, I magnify, and i criticize situations, people, and things. But i also do all That in regards to myself to the point of tender bruises on my own self esteem. It’s hard to be kind to yourself when you’re expected not to.

It’s gotten to a dark point at times. I look at pictures of myself and obsess. I look at old pictures, compare, and mentally take myself outback and kick myself in the lungs with negativity. It’s just so insane. The one person I know the best, the one person that I’ve always tried to look out for, I’m tearing her apart from the inside out, and she is I. Every bite of foot is over analyzed before, during, and after eating it. There might be days in a row that I starve myself, there might also be days that I eat myself sick. All because I don’t practice self care like I would if I were skinny. all because I don’t think I deserve that. I mean, if you’re terrorizing your self physically, you’re capable of doing it mentally as well. That is horrifying. We, as humans, are at the hands of our own demise and usually others don’t see the cuts and scars because we wear them internally and figuratively. How does one save themselves from themselves?

1. Realize that the reflection you see, is not always you. Yep. I said it. It’s just not. If you deal with self loathe, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Stop staring, pinching, picking, and scratching at things that aren’t even there.

2. No one else loving you will all of the sudden make you love you. Don’t get me wrong, it helps. Jesus Christ, does it help. But there will still those nights where you’re wide awake at four in the morning exhausted from listening to yourself spew ugly thoughts. Do not put your happiness is someone else’s pockets. You can’t afford That.

3. Eat.

4. Your friend that is literally perfect aesthetically Hates her forehead. Other people might seem like they have it together, they don’t. Trust me, we are all creatures of self doubt to some degree. So don’t think you’re alone in this.

5. Don’t feel like you’re not allowed luxuries. You are. Don’t think fat girls aren’t allowed to dance, or not allowed to accept cookies, or can’t wear horizontal stripes. Do what ever you want to do unapologetically.

Do what you can to see yourself as worthy, lovely, and attractive. The world has its own demons that we can’t fix. But we can take Down our own. It just takes times, will, and sometimes someone else nudging us in the direction of it.